Hello again, I know its been quite a few months since I last posted.
Since I last posted quite a few things have happened to me. I have moved house, Praise the Lord. It was a much needed move and was definitely from God.Also my brother is coming to church :) he is realising that God is the only way and like me he realises that we only screw up our lives when we try and do it our way....I have been meaning to blog a few times with a few things on my heart so I will post them as I feel the need to get them down.
I went to a marquee event with my church at the end of April which was lets say was very touching and very uplifting.Since coming back to God I have been craving the Holy spirit and have not yet got tongues, I felt a failure as I see the Holy Spirit as being the seal that we are saved and going to heaven. At the marquee I found out that I had a blockage which was preventing me from receiving it, so I set about trying to find out what it was but I couldn't work it out, I had forgiven everyone who had hurt me, so I didn't know what to do.....Then one Sunday morning a very young looking man called Killer preached about the Holy Spirit and described exactly how I was feeling.... a failure....I got prayer that morning from 2 lovely people who told me I indeed had a blockage, so they again prayed for me that night and they were given a picture for me to help identify this blockage that I so badly wanted to get rid of....the praying continued for a couple of weeks until I finally understood what it was....
The blockage that I had so badly been trying to get rid of was indeed my lack or self worth, yes I had indeed forgiven all those that had hurt me, but I had never forgiven myself. I have very low self esteem and low self worth, its blocking me from feeling worthy, it isn't that God wont give it me,its that I cant receive it, its not God its me... after all God says that we just have to ask and he will give us the Holy Spirit , hes a gift that God will not hold back and God is most definitely not a liar. I have blamed myself for everything in my life, all my choices,all the things that were my fault, my life had been a mess because of MY choices. The fact that my dad left me and not wanted me though is the biggest hurdle ever. I had forgiven him but it left me with a spirit of rejection, this is a nasty spirit and gets in to our lives in so many ways. I was bullied all my life so that hasn't helped at all either.
So recently I attended another marquee weekend with my church.There was an event on that was talking about how we have a fatherless generation and that dads are missing and it causes so much hurt and rejection. Well well well that hit the spot and I had to go outside.When i'd finally picked up the stubborness to fight the fact that I wanted to leave I went back in.They were just about to give prayer for this so I grabbed one of the girls that had been praying for me in the begining and off we went to get prayer. While getting prayer I had the spirit of rejection bound in the name of Jesus.
I find that whenever I talk about feeling rejected and the emptyness it has left I cry, so I gather that I am still not healed completely, this I give partially to the fact that my sons dad left us and I blame myself yet again, everything is my fault. How do I get over this??? I have no idea, but I belive this to be the problem. So at the moment I am looking to God for healing in this area and have to increase my faith that the Holy Spirit is indeed lingering on the outskirts of my body waiting for me to let him in.
